Reconciliation

There I was. Standing in front of where they had been buried.

It had been years since I have wanted to stand here with a head held high so I could not only tell them, but show them how much I have grown.

The serene and sunny day was perfect for paying respects. I felt as if the calmness of the air allowed my thoughts to pierce through infinity and reach them, wherever they might be.

I was passed several sticks of lit incense. I took the incense, and felt the grainy rough texture of the bright red lower section as I stood in front of the tombstone. I held the incense close to my face and closed my eyes.

Bow once. Bow twice. Bow three times.

This moment felt peaceful. It was cathartic and all the regret I held in my heart drifted away with the smoke of the incense. I was certain that whatever my heart was saying could be heard.

I stuck the incense into the dirt and then I pressed my hands together and held them close to my face. I closed my eyes again.

Bow once. Bow twice. Bow three times.

Grief pt. 2

I felt horrible, like I wronged them. I couldn't be there even though I wanted to be there so bad.

Too bad strong feelings cannot give you wings. They lived there. I live here.

All I could do was cry. I stood there, in the middle of a crowded gymnasium. A sudden wave of sadness took over and all I could do was cry. The teachers were confused, they did not know what happened. All they knew was that there was a child standing there, crying.

A wanted obsession

Days of stagnation led him to feel that life was not worth living and that all the struggling was for nothing.

He felt inclined to stay inside his hole. He was comfortable, he was content with just that. Nothing felt like it was worth it anymore, not the sun, not the rain, not the clouds or laughter of the people around him. He just drifted aimlessly.

Yet, he would still curse it.

His contention was his source of frustration. It perplexed him, it puzzled him, it outright formed a paradox.

Then, while drifting he came across a smile. A smile so brilliant, so radiant that suddenly the hole he was content in filled with light.

The light blinded him at first. He feared it. He did not know how to react.

"Foreign." he thought.

At this time, he did not notice, but he was addicted. He was addicted to the light, he was addicted to THAT smile.

All he wanted to do now was to make THAT smile appear. It didn't matter how. He would change. All for THAT smile.

It reassured him. It gave him hope. It made him believe that something is worth fighting for, that the darkness he felt content with was just a lie.

He would do just about anything.

"Lovely." he thought.

And for the first time in his life, he realized that life is indeed Lovely.

Griefing

I don't remember much. I kept my composure until the end, when suddenly the sadness flushed over me like some kind of terrible blanket. I broke down. I broke down and cried. I didn't know why, I didn't even know her that well. Yet, I felt sad. I felt grief. Did I cry because I was supposed to? Or was I really sad that she was gone?

Shards

How do you overcome feeling inadequate?

If only it were that easy, if only
I could stand, hand in hand with them,
the fleeting feelings and dreams I used to have.

How do you conquer sadness?

Fighting day after day
not knowing why I held my hands in a fist,
scars and weathered skin across jaded fingers
hoping to be caressed by kindness
instead of gripping onto anger.

How do you abandon loneliness?

Running day by day,
hoping to find some kind of new home,
hoping to have a place for salvation
only to be lost,
no map in hand.

All I ever wanted were the revelations of faith and belief,
the hope that one day it would all be behind me.
That somehow, seeing this world with my eyes
would prove to my heart that it was worth it,
prove to my soul that the next break I take is justified.

Against my own wishes,
I want to be me.



Written by: David C.

Inside My World

All I wanted was to see my world change, to see the day in a different light.
Grime and grit and dust,
covering everything that once glittered,
I'm hoping that I can see them shine again.

Someone tell me how I let it get this way; treasures I've kept all turned dull,
the fire of my passion burned out.
It never even raged to an inferno.

Pity how I sulk, letting this world place its weight on my shoulders.
I've become that jaded work horse, ready to be put down.

Yet a voice, a single voice kept telling me to push.
All I had to do was push.
I'd be free from the chains, but all the pushing and pulling, all the dragging, stumbling, fumbling and fussing, all the yells of anguish and all the roars of anxiety have just placed me two steps farther back.
That voice,
that voice which sounded so sweet, told me to keep pushing.
I wish it didn't.

Air.
Let me breathe.

Mind.
Let me think.

Heart.
Let me believe.


Let me believe for some little reason that I'll have faith once more.
Believe in what that voice had said, believe that all this struggling is worth it.
Believe that the world is filled with colors I've never lived in.

Still, until I can have that faith,
grit,
grime,
dust.
The lackluster world I put myself in is reality.

Hope.
It shines brilliantly.



Written by: David C